Monday evening, I had a ‘rubber meets the road’ moment.
It was one of those convicting, “ouch” moments.
My mother was planning to go shopping at Sam’s with a friend the following day, and I wanted ssooooo badly to go with her!
But my Dad was going to be gone on-call, so if I did go with Mom and her friend, the kids would be left home alone—with the potential to pull a ‘free-for-all’ (you know the bit, no schooling would get done, there would be lots of noise and chasing each other around the house… :-)) and the would need someone to get them lunch.
In a whiny way and with a ‘poor me’ attitude, I told my mom I would ‘just stay home’.
I could have pushed it, but I could tell that my Dad didn't love the idea, probably as a whole, and mom wasn't keen on leaving the kids by themselves.
It would have been inconvenient if I had gone with my mom, and so I decided to stay… but I was sooo bummed.
I went back to mom and dad’s room to recant telling them “it was fine- I’d stay home”, but I was stopped by overhearing Dad (who didn't know I was there) tell Bethie (my 11 year old sister, who was looking right at me) how ‘it was good for me to be staying home, so mom could go do what she wanted and needed to do (go get food to feed her family!! :-D ) and to not have to worry because I would be there to just step in and take over’—keep things humming smoothly until she returned.
(And, apparently, Bethie informed me later, that he had said something to the effect of how ‘you don’t always get what you want’—which made me mad, but I knew he was right! Which is probably why it hurt so bad lol/;-/ I needed to hear it!)
I had a pity party and invited God—lol.
I told Him I KNEW I was being selfish and asked Him to help me put Him first; others (namely, my family!!!) second, and reserve the few remaining crumbs for myself. I realized that I've been living a very ‘me-centric’ life lately :-( I so often do get my way or get to do what I want that I’d grown spoiled :-(
God helped me realize something.
Here I am, being all “passionate” about, involved in, and say I am and believe in being a Biblical, stay-at-home-and-heart daughter (who *clears throat* loves and ministers to her family…)(and by doing that is preparing for wife-and-mommyhood) but when it really comes down to it—when I encounter the HUGE test to act upon and actually LIVE OUT what my head knows and my heart believes…
Even when it comes to being a good example as the big sister—Bethie was right there watching and hearing the entire thing! (She mouths to me -and in a sweet, respectful way!- “but isn't that kind of selfish?!”… Um yeah. OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I was not so hot on the performance end.
When all is said and done, when it comes time to PRACTICALLY LIVE OUT what I believe, do I selflessly submit and practice what I preach?
Do I lay down my desires to defer to another’s (A HUGE, integral part of wife and motherhood, BTW!!!)??
Or do I push, twist, and maneuver circumstances to get my way—what I want—at the inconvenience of others?!
As you can imagine, this was a big light-bulb moment for me. I can romanticize about and expound upon the virtues of being a virtuous daughter, but daydreaming and talking :-) are easy things to do.
Selfless, virtuous living?
But by the grace of God, it’s not impossible! (Matthew 19:26) (Matthew 10:27) (Luke 1:37) (Luke 18:27) (Philippians 4:13)
What about you, dear daughter? Have you (like me :( ) allowed selfishness to creep in and derail you from what you know and believe to be true?
What about you, dear sister? Have you been a less-than-stellar example lately (like me :( )?
What about you, dear Princess? Have you allowed the enemy and his minions to convince you that holy living is impossible—so why bother?
Please know that I do not condemn you! I’m guilty as well.
But by God’s grace, let’s get back up, learn from this, and keep going forward!
We can talk a good talk—but when the rubber meets the road, can we, can I, walk a good walk?