Filled to be Emptied

Lately, I've been longing to do blog-post.
To write
To encourage
But often, when the desire hits, I have nothing to write about; or I have plenty to write about, but I feel unworthy because I've just gotten over a ‘blew it’ moment (yelling at a sibling, slinging a sarcastic remark at a parent, forgetting a chore, whining or complaining, simply) whether great or small. Something will impassion, inspire me to write, but satan smites my heart with, “oh you can’t write about thus-and-so… I mean, look what you just did! You’re such a horrible person, such a wicked sinner! How dare you write a blog post or a letter encouraging others to do right or keep their chin up when you cant even do it!?!?!?!?!”
Also, recently I’ll occasionally become discouraged by the fact that whereas four years ago, I was able to offer advice and encouragement to my friends, family, and other young ladies, I now am without Biblical insight to offer them.
And that is what they need
Not my opinions. (Although, yes—I can certainly get up on my soap box from time to time and dish them out!) Because my word on its own, no matter how heart-felt and presumable Scripturally drawn it may be, is just that.
It could be wrong. (Often is!!!) and I've recently been impressed with the importance of reading the finely printed ingredients on a package of “Biblical health-food” to check for sneaky, unwholesome ingredients before devouring the entire thing. And then finding out later what sounded Biblical at the time was, even if just slightly, off kilter.
But I've had no Godly advice or encouragement, Blog-posts or emails, letters or Sunday school lessons or special musics to offer lately…
Because my well. Is. Dry. :(
I cannot give what I do not have to offer.
And I can only get what I want to give by spending time with Jesus.
Something, which, through various circumstances, lack of determination on my part, and what honestly may be just blatant spiritual-warfare, has become very. hard. for me.
And somehow, I got it into my warped head that WANTING to blog, to post, to (maybe even write and encourage?) was impossible or wrong.
… ...
… ... ...
But as I began to finally, by God’s grace, take a step in the right direction the other night
It hit me! there’s really nothing wrong with having the DESIRE to (blog) post! There’s nothing wrong with WANTING to write!

As this thought bonked me between the eyes, another sort of thought meekly stepped in with it.
“Lord, fill me so that I may fill others.”
I've been hurting. Hurting. Dealing with the bitterness that “why God?” trials can bring. And with it, (only by the AMAZING GRACE of God), I've been given an entirely new perspective for others—on a number of levels.
And with that new perspective comes a “you’re hurting too!? O my goodness, you are SO not alone! There is some bigger purpose behind all of this, but for now just let me hug you and assure you that you’re not alone!” type of encouragement that I want to impart…
…and feel totally unworthy to do so.
as though I’m not good enough.
How could God possibly use a young woman like me who doesn't “have it all together” for Him?
Who isn't in her Bible like she knows she needs to be? Who often simply has no motivation for anything! Who so often wants, not necessarily to die, but to just. give. up. who is so SICK of this darkness and confusion and READY for it to be OVER! How could God use that?!
I have told those closest to me, who know my current inner struggles and unfounded fears, how I hate feeling “forced” to serve, “forced” to minister, because while those asking me to serve and minister have no idea of the turmoil inside, I feel as though I have nothing to give!! :( I’m “running on empty”—I’m empty, I tell them! I’m dry! I have nothing of God to offer because lately… I “have nothing of God” myself :(
And yes. I know there are problems with my attitude and often lack of effort. The darkness is real and unrelenting, but that doesn’t excuse my giving up. I’m not glossing over that.
But I do want to showcase something bigger than that.
Because when I am in those places. When I feel worthless. When I feel inadequate, ‘not good enough’, as though I don’t currently measure up. When I am there,
God does something unmerited amazing.
From an empty cruse, He anoints with oil.
From a parched well, He gives water; quenches someone’s thirst.
From a tank running on fumes, He squeaks out an “extra mile”.
And I’m blown away and humbled that He could—and would want to—use someone as unworthy as me!!!
But it kind of hit me.
What is so wrong with asking to be filled up so you can then be poured out?
What is so wrong with asking God to bless you so you can bless and encourage others?
To FILL YOU so He can then USE YOU?!
(And no—I’m not saying that God can’t use you unless you’re “worthy” because A) NO ONE IS WORTHY (Isaiah 64:6b) and B) He deign to use the “unusable” (see above!)
So, what is wrong with all these things????
However, while there is nothing wrong with this concept, there could be…
…if you were doing it with selfish motives; to receive all the attention and glory for yourself.
But! If to the best of your knowledge, your motives are pure, and if you genuinely have a desire to minister in a specific way, but truly know your ineptitude without the amazing grace of Almighty God?? ?
By His grace and with His help—
            GO. FOR. IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I don’t say “ineptitude” to belittle, demean, or offend. I say it because the more and more aware of my sinful, fleshly state I become (“for without Me {Jesus} ye can do nothingJohn 15:5b); the more aware I become that my attempts at “goodness” (think filthy rags); at being “good enough” are worth nothing.
A big, fat nothing.
I am worthless apart from Christ’s worthiness in me.
The more I realize how BAD
I really (on my own)????
The more I realize JUST. HOW. GOOD—how amazingmy God is!!!!!

What about you, sister? What has God been showing you, even through darkness? How has He been revealing or reminding you that, even when it doesn't seem so, He.Is.Good? Have you ever asked God to fill you up with the specific desire to be poured out?


  1. What an encouragement...Thanks for sharing your humility! It really takes a lot to confess our faults and I praise God that He is SO MERCIFUL to us when we SO DONT Deserve it!!! Katie you have taught me so much in this last year and am SO Blessed to call you friend!! Lots of love.

  2. Oh my dear sister in Christ! I wish I could give you a big hug right now!!! :) I have been there, in fact I am still there and desperately in need of God's grace every single moment of every day. I could so identify with what you write here - feeling like such a hypocrite trying to encourage others when I am just as guilty, if not more so of the same things myself. :( I too am struggling with a "dry" period in my walk with the Lord as He seems so distant even though I know He is near, and spending time with Him, which is usually such a joy, now seems to be so hard. Like you said, it is something that comes on the tail-end of trials where we feel like we can no longer cope with things ourselves, but something I've been finding helpful at the moment is to look at specific moments, no matter how small where I have seen Him at work in the past and now and to try to thank and praise Him for that rather than just looking at everything that is going wrong.

    Thank you so much for writing this and being so honest - the Lord really used this to pinpoint what I have been struggling with. To Him be all the Glory! I'll be praying for you! :)

    With prayers from your sister in Christ,
    Violet <3

  3. Isn't it amazing how you let God 'expose' you by prompting you to share your 'dirt' in the public; on the internet!, only to find out that a lot of people out there, out here, are dealing with the same thing(s).

    Thank you for coming out of the closet and sharing your heart. May God continue to prompt us to spend time in His presence, eat at His table, drink of His Living Water so that out of our bellies shall rivers indeed begin to flow ceaselessly.

    Found you from facebook; thanks a lot dearie. You're blessed!

  4. Hi Katie (His Princess Warrior)! :)

    Thanks for your lovely comment on my blog - it really made my day! :) I'm so glad that my comment was able to encourage you too - it is lovely to recieve encouragement, especially when we may be feeling low or discouraged. :) You are certianly not alone, and that's something I've been having to learn, that no matter how alone I may feel in whatever trials or struggles the Lord brings my way, there is always someone out there struggling as well, and the Lord is always with me. He NEVER abandons me even though I might feel that way sometimes! :P

    Aw, thanks for your hugs and here's one right back! :) I have had a wonderful day so far, thank you! :) I hope you are too! Thank you so much for your prayers, it means so much to me to know that a sister in Christ whom I haven't even met is praying! :) I'll continue to pray for you too! <3 :)

    It is so true that you want to share what the Lord is teaching you through the trials with others, those "rays of sunshine"! :) I've been finding blogging a really good outlet for that. :) If you ever want to do a guest blog post on my blog, you'd be more than welcome! :) In fact, I would love it if you could sometime. :)

    I hope you are doing better now: thanks so much for your prayers as the Lord is helping me to get back on track in my relationship with Him! :D

    God bless you! :)
    From your sister in Christ,
    Violet <3


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