Filled to be Emptied

Lately, I've been longing to do blog-post.

To write

To encourage

But often, when the desire hits, I have nothing to write about; or I have plenty to write about, but I feel unworthy because I've just gotten over a ‘blew it’ moment (yelling at a sibling, slinging a sarcastic remark at a parent, forgetting a chore, whining or complaining, simply) whether great or small. Something will impassion, inspire me to write, but satan smites my heart with, “oh you can’t write about thus-and-so… I mean, look what you just did! You’re such a horrible person, such a wicked sinner! How dare you write a blog post or a letter encouraging others to do right or keep their chin up when you cant even do it!?!?!?!?!”

Also, recently I’ll occasionally become discouraged by the fact that whereas four years ago, I was able to offer advice and encouragement to my friends, family, and other young ladies, I now am without Biblical insight to offer them.

And that is what they need

BIBLE INSIGHT

BIBLE ENCOURAGEMENT

Not my opinions. (Although, yes—I can certainly get up on my soap box from time to time and dish them out!) Because my word on its own, no matter how heart-felt and presumable Scripturally drawn it may be, is just that.

Mine.

It could be wrong. (Often is!!!) and I've recently been impressed with the importance of reading the finely printed ingredients on a package of “Biblical health-food” to check for sneaky, unwholesome ingredients before devouring the entire thing. And then finding out later what sounded Biblical at the time was, even if just slightly, off kilter.

But I've had no Godly advice or encouragement, Blog-posts or emails, letters or Sunday school lessons or special musics to offer lately…

Because my well. Is. Dry. :(

I cannot give what I do not have to offer.

And I can only get what I want to give by spending time with Jesus.

Something, which, through various circumstances, lack of determination on my part, and what honestly may be just blatant spiritual-warfare, has become very. hard. for me.

And somehow, I got it into my warped head that WANTING to blog, to post, to (maybe even write and encourage?) was impossible or wrong.

…

… ...

… ... ...

WHY?????

I’M. NOT. SURE.

But as I began to finally, by God’s grace, take a step in the right direction the other night

It hit me! there’s really nothing wrong with having the DESIRE to (blog) post! There’s nothing wrong with WANTING to write!

As this thought bonked me between the eyes, another sort of thought meekly stepped in with it.

“Lord, fill me so that I may fill others.”

I've been hurting. Hurting. Dealing with the bitterness that “why God?” trials can bring. And with it, (only by the AMAZING GRACE of God), I've been given an entirely new perspective for others—on a number of levels.

And with that new perspective comes a “you’re hurting too!? O my goodness, you are SO not alone! There is some bigger purpose behind all of this, but for now just let me hug you and assure you that you’re not alone!” type of encouragement that I want to impart…

…and feel totally unworthy to do so.

as though I’m not good enough.

How could God possibly use a young woman like me who doesn't “have it all together” for Him?

Who isn't in her Bible like she knows she needs to be? Who often simply has no motivation for anything! Who so often wants, not necessarily to die, but to just. give. up. who is so SICK of this darkness and confusion and READY for it to be OVER! How could God use that?!

WHY WOULD HE WANT TO!? :( :( :(

I have told those closest to me, who know my current inner struggles and unfounded fears, how I hate feeling “forced” to serve, “forced” to minister, because while those asking me to serve and minister have no idea of the turmoil inside, I feel as though I have nothing to give!! :( I’m “running on empty”—I’m empty, I tell them! I’m dry! I have nothing of God to offer because lately… I “have nothing of God” myself :(

And yes. I know there are problems with my attitude and often lack of effort. The darkness is real and unrelenting, but that doesn’t excuse my giving up. I’m not glossing over that.

But I do want to showcase something bigger than that.

Because when I am in those places. When I feel worthless. When I feel inadequate, ‘not good enough’, as though I don’t currently measure up. When I am there,

God does something unmerited amazing.

From an empty cruse, He anoints with oil.

From a parched well, He gives water; quenches someone’s thirst.

From a tank running on fumes, He squeaks out an “extra mile”.

And I’m blown away and humbled that He could—and would want to—use someone as unworthy as me!!!

But it kind of hit me.

What is so wrong with asking to be filled up so you can then be poured out?

What is so wrong with asking God to bless you so you can bless and encourage others?

To FILL YOU so He can then USE YOU?!

(And no—I’m not saying that God can’t use you unless you’re “worthy” because A) NO ONE IS WORTHY (Isaiah 64:6b) and B) He deign to use the “unusable” (see above!)

So, what is wrong with all these things????

NOTHING!!!

However, while there is nothing wrong with this concept, there could be…

…if you were doing it with selfish motives; to receive all the attention and glory for yourself.

But! If to the best of your knowledge, your motives are pure, and if you genuinely have a desire to minister in a specific way, but truly know your ineptitude without the amazing grace of Almighty God?? ?

By His grace and with His help—

            GO. FOR. IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I don’t say “ineptitude” to belittle, demean, or offend. I say it because the more and more aware of my sinful, fleshly state I become (“for without Me {Jesus} ye can do nothing” John 15:5b); the more aware I become that my attempts at “goodness” (think filthy rags); at being “good enough” are worth nothing.

A big, fat nothing.

I am worthless apart from Christ’s worthiness in me.

The more I realize how BAD

WORTHLESS

CONFUSED

And HOPELESS

I really (on my own)????

The more I realize JUST. HOW. GOOD—how amazing—my God is!!!!!

What about you, sister? What has God been showing you, even through darkness? How has He been revealing or reminding you that, even when it doesn't seem so, He.Is.Good? Have you ever asked God to fill you up with the specific desire to be poured out?